When I think about low confidence and social anxiety, I always wonder – which one causes another? Are we struggling with low self esteem because we have social anxiety? Or are we socially anxious because we have low self esteem?
In reality, it probably goes both ways.
There are so many different people – it would be crazy to think that there’s only one simple truth.
But even if we knew the answer, it doesn’t really matter because these two things are feeding each other and that’s the fact.
If you’re unconfident and socially anxious at the same time, you might experience these things:
It’s hard for you to participate in chats, gatherings, and discussions with other people
You find it hard to relax because you think that people are judging your behavior or your appearance
You may want to communicate with others but are afraid to do that because you believe that you are not interesting enough
You try to avoid social situations because they are challenging your confidence
Or you may experience other things since social anxiety can manifest itself in many forms.
But one thing is universal – you are fighting two dragons instead of one because you have to deal both with lack of confidence AND social anxiety.
I feel you. It’s hard.
A year ago, I was video-calling my brother.
He lives in another country, and we don’t call each other often because I’m not initiating it and he is mostly busy with his newborn baby girl. I don’t want to interrupt him.
But that Sunday evening felt perfect for a chat with him, so I made the call.
It was very enjoyable to listen to him talking and telling me all the stories about his baby, his work life, and other simple things that make life beautiful. I was so happy just by listening to him!
But once he started asking about me as well, I suddenly felt so unconfident.
I felt like there’s nothing I can tell that would be as interesting, and I started to feel really shy.
I just rambled random stuff from my life, felt my social anxiety rising (yes, it’s possible to get social anxiety even when talking to your brother) and tried to change the topic ASAP.
His baby girl needed to go nappy time, so the call ended pretty soon thus saving me from this unpleasant feeling. But that cloud of shyness lingered for a few days after.
I kept wondering – why did I feel so unconfident and socially anxious? It’s my brother after all, and I know he loves and supports me – what’s the big deal?
After relentlessly trying to figure it out, I concluded that I probably thought he might judge me.
This really clicked!
I thought that I might be judged for not having a lot of exciting things to say and so it shut my confidence down completely.
Next time we called each other, I promised myself to stop thinking that I might be judged by my words or actions.
Of course, I felt much more confident, and this time our chat was more alive because I wasn’t afraid to talk anymore.
If you struggle with low confidence and social anxiety at the same time, it’s imperative to take a look at your mindset.
I spent a lot of time doing that for the past year and found three simple truths that changed it all for me. Here they are:
How To Be Confident If You Have Social Anxiety
1. Stop thinking that people are judging you.
And yes, they do judge you, but just like you judge them too. We all do that silently in our head, all the time.
Ever wondered what a first impression really is? It’s nothing else but your first judgment of other person appearance, behavior and words.
People judge each other all the time, but since we are morally evolved, we usually don’t do that loudly. It’s more of a way to scan and perceive our environment.
That brings me to my next point.
2. Understand that people are way more interested in how you perceive them, not how they perceive you
Believe it or not, most of the time you interact with someone, that person is more worried about how he looks in your eyes than how you look in his.
Just take a look at yourself as an example – you are worried that you are unconfident in social situations.
And I was worried about how I was looking in my brother’s eyes.
And thousands of other people who will be reading this article – they will do it because they are worried about being confident in social situations.
It’s important to them.
So when you are in social situations, trust me, other people are mostly worried about how they look, and you come only in the second place of interest.
We are all self-centered, and that’s how we are made to be.
3. Start working on your charisma.
Confidence has nothing to do with what you own, how you look and what you’ve done.
Even the smartest woman can’t be acknowledged if she never shows her knowledge.
But if you ever been in a party with a lot of people, you’ve probably encountered that one unique person who was not that good looking, not that rich or intelligent but the way he talked and told stories was just magnetic.
This is called charisma. It comes from the person’s inner world and the way he sees himself.
You see, if you are thinking bad about yourself all the time – trust me, it shows.
Everything from your body language to the way you speak shows that you feel insecure.
But if you think good about YOU, if you value yourself, if you trust, support and nourish your inner world, it also shows. It brings out that sparkling magnetism I talked before – your charisma.
If you don’t feel confident right now, it’s probably because you don’t love yourself enough and perceive yourself as not equal with others.
You probably compare yourself too much also and that’s just self-sabotage.
Yes, some people have it all, just like there are cheetahs who are the fastest animals on the Earth.
But it doesn’t mean a giraffe should start feeling insecure because she’s not that fast. She’s awesome in other ways (like having that glorious, long neck).
We are all very different, and some may have more than others.
You have to stop limiting yourself with your own beliefs about the way you should look, act or feel.
“Ok Amber, but how do I do that? How do I build my inner world and my charisma?”
First, you have to stop believing that you aren’t equal to everyone else. Just stop it right now, it’s not true.
Second, start working on yourself and your inner world. The richer it gets, the more confident you can feel in yourself and your abilities.
Here are a few resources to get you started:
To start loving yourself the way you are, get my Self Discovery Journal and start with your day 1 today.
This journal will help you take a deeper look at the things you like, the things you value, mistakes you’ve made – both good and bad things that make the whole you.
It doesn’t matter what happened before and how you treated yourself until now.
If you want to beat your social anxiety and become confident, you have to start loving yourself, right now. Get your Self Discovery Journal here
To develop a unique and sizzling personality, work on these tips and habits:
- 50 Personality Development Tips That Will Make You Unique
- 99 Habits That Will Make You a Smarter Woman
To make sure they’re judging you in the way you want them to judge you, read and work on this list:
To finally understand why you’re not worse than anyone else, read this:
To destroy limiting beliefs about yourself, exercise your mind with a Thought Workbook. It will help you find the things that aren’t true, but since you’ve made yourself believe them, you actually don’t notice them anymore.
To constantly remind yourself that you are capable and worthy, you can also use these “Cofidence Reminders” exercises:
And if your confidence is low because you’ve screwed up big time, here’s where to start:
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Let’s conclude this, shall we?
If you have social anxiety and want to be more confident:
1. Stop thinking that people are judging you.
2. Understand that people are way more interested in how they look in your eyes, not otherwise.
3. Start working on your charisma (you can use the plan I provided you for a great start).
Remember – confidence can be learned and anxiety can be curbed.
You can work on both and achieve great results.
Just don’t be scared to try – it’s worth it!
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