How To Deal With Regret and Make Peace With Your Choices

Regret is one of the most human feelings there is. It shows up because you care: about people, about how your life is going, about who you want to be. That sting you feel when you look back isn't proof that you're a bad person or that you ruined everything. Most of the time, it's your values tapping you on the shoulder, saying "this mattered to me."

The trouble starts when regret stops being a message and turns into a loop. You replay the moment, rewrite it a hundred ways, and somehow end up feeling worse each time without learning anything new. It took me a long time to understand that looking back can either heal or hurt, depending on how you do it.

This guide is about how to deal with regret in a way that actually helps. You'll learn the two kinds of regret, the difference between rumination and reflection, nine gentle steps to work through it, a regret reframing table you can fill in, a short self-compassion script, and how to carry the bigger regrets of life without letting them define you.

Take your time with this. There's no rush to feel better by the end of the page.

Why Regret Hurts (and What It's Trying To Tell You)

Regret is a mix of sadness and self-blame aimed at the past. It hurts because it combines two hard things at once: something you wish were different, and the sense that you had a hand in it. Disappointment says "that didn't go how I hoped." Regret adds "and it might have been my fault."

Here's the kinder way to see it. You only regret things connected to something you value. If you regret not calling a friend more, you value connection. If you regret a harsh word, you value kindness. If you regret staying too long in a job or a relationship, you value your own growth and peace. Regret is painful, but it's also a map of what matters to you.

That doesn't mean you should hold onto it forever. It means the feeling deserves a little curiosity before you try to push it away. The goal isn't to never feel regret again. It's to let it teach you something and then let it soften.

The Two Kinds of Regret: Things You Did and Things You Didn't

Researchers who study regret often describe two broad types, and knowing which one you're dealing with makes it easier to work with:

• Regrets of action are about things you did: something you said, a choice you made, a moment you lost your temper, a decision that didn't work out. These tend to sting sharply at first and often fade with time, especially once you've made sense of them or made amends.
• Regrets of inaction are about things you didn't do: the trip you never took, the person you never told how you felt, the class you never signed up for, the chance you let pass. These often feel quieter at first but can linger for years, because the "what if" never gets answered.

Neither kind is worse. They just ask for slightly different care. Action regrets usually ask for understanding and, sometimes, repair. Inaction regrets usually ask for a new choice, even a small one, in the direction of the thing you missed.

Rumination vs Reflection: Knowing the Difference

This is the part that changed the most for me, because I'm prone to anxiety and my mind loves a replay. Both rumination and reflection involve thinking about the past, but they feel very different and lead to very different places.

• Rumination goes in circles. It asks "why did I do that, why am I like this, what's wrong with me" over and over. It focuses on blame and feelings, not facts or next steps. You finish feeling heavier and no wiser.
• Reflection goes somewhere. It asks "what happened, what did I know, what would I do differently, what can I do now." It has an end point. You finish feeling a little sad, maybe, but clearer.

A simple test: after ten minutes of thinking about it, do you have anything new? A lesson, a decision, an understanding? If yes, that was reflection. If you just feel worse and you're back where you started, it was rumination, and it's time to stop and switch to the steps below. If replaying specific moments is your biggest struggle, my guide on how to stop replaying conversations in your head has extra tools for breaking that loop.

9 Steps To Deal With Regret

Work through these slowly. Some regrets need only a few of these steps; bigger ones might need all of them, more than once. I like to do this on paper, because writing slows the mind down and keeps it from spinning. A linen-covered journal that you keep just for this kind of reflection makes it feel a little more intentional, but any notebook works.

1. Name the Regret Clearly

Vague regret is the heaviest kind. "I ruined everything" or "I wasted those years" is too big to work with. Write one specific sentence instead: "I regret saying that cruel thing to my sister at dinner." "I regret not applying for that program when I had the chance." "I regret not visiting my grandmother more often in her last year."

One regret per page. If several come up, write them down in a list and choose one to start with. You don't have to solve them all tonight.

2. Separate the Facts From the Story

Draw a line down the middle of the page. On the left, write only what actually happened, as if a camera had recorded it. On the right, write the story your mind tells about it.

Facts: "I didn't call her back for three weeks." Story: "I'm a terrible friend and she probably hates me." Facts: "I turned down the offer." Story: "I always sabotage my life and I'll never get another chance."

The facts are usually smaller and kinder than the story. Seeing them side by side helps you respond to what happened, not to the worst version your anxiety can write.

3. Remember What You Knew Then

Hindsight is clear, but you didn't have it at the time. Ask yourself: what did I know back then? What was I feeling? What was going on in my life? What options did I believe I had?

Often you'll find you made the best choice you could with the information, energy and emotional resources you had at that moment. You weren't the person you are now. You couldn't have known what you only learned because of what happened. Judging your past self by your present knowledge is like being angry at someone for not reading a book that hadn't been written yet.

4. Sort What Was in Your Control

Make two short lists: what was in my control, and what wasn't. Other people's choices, timing, luck, illness, the economy, someone else's feelings: none of those were yours to control. Your words, your effort, your honesty, how you treated people: those were.

This step is not about escaping responsibility. It's about taking the right size of it. Most of us carry regret for things that were only partly ours, or not ours at all. Put down what was never yours to hold. If the "not in my control" list is long and painful, my article on radical acceptance is a gentle place to start making peace with what can't be changed.

5. Meet Yourself With Self-Compassion

Imagine your closest friend told you this exact story. You wouldn't tell her she's hopeless. You'd say something like "of course that hurts, you were doing your best, and you're allowed to learn from it." Now say that to yourself.

Self-compassion isn't letting yourself off the hook. Research on self-compassion suggests that people who treat their mistakes kindly are often more motivated to grow, not less, because they're not wasting energy on shame. Wrap yourself in a soft knit throw, light a glass jar candle and give yourself ten quiet minutes. If kindness toward yourself feels unnatural, my guide to self-compassion basics walks through it step by step.

6. Make Amends if Someone Was Hurt

If your regret involves hurting another person, a sincere apology can lift a surprising amount of weight, for both of you. Keep it simple and about them, not about easing your guilt:

"I've been thinking about what I said that night. It was unkind and you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry. I'm working on how I handle stress so it doesn't happen again."

Then let them respond however they need to, including not at all. Amends are something you offer, not something you trade for forgiveness. And if contacting the person isn't possible or wouldn't be safe or kind, you can write a letter you never send, or make a "living amends" by treating others the way you wish you'd treated them.

7. Pull Out One Lesson

Not ten lessons. One. Finish this sentence: "What this taught me is…" Keep it short and practical. "I need to pause before replying when I'm angry." "I want to say yes to opportunities even when I'm scared." "I want to tell people I love them while I can."

A single clear lesson gives the regret a job. It stops being just a painful memory and becomes something that guides you.

8. Make One New Choice

This is where regret, especially regret of inaction, starts to heal. Ask: what's one small thing I can do this week that lines up with the lesson? Not a grand gesture, a small, doable step.

• Regret not traveling? Plan one day trip somewhere new this month.
• Regret losing touch with a friend? Send one warm message today.
• Regret not finishing your degree? Look up one course and read the requirements.
• Regret how you spoke to someone? Practice one calm pause in your next hard conversation.

The point isn't to undo the past. It's to prove to yourself, in action, that you're someone who learns and moves forward.

9. Let the Story Rest

Once you've reflected, repaired what you can and chosen a new step, the regret has done its job. You're allowed to close the notebook. When the memory pops up again (and it will, especially at 2 a.m.), you can gently say: "I've already worked through this. I know the lesson. I'm living it now."

A small ritual helps. Some people close the journal page with a single line like "I made peace with this today." Others make a fresh cup of chamomile tea afterward as a signal that the reflection is finished. Letting the story rest isn't forgetting. It's choosing not to live inside it. For more on this, my guide on how to forgive yourself for your mistakes is a natural next read.

The Regret Reframing Table

This is the tool I'd love for you to keep. It turns a heavy, swirling feeling into four calm columns. Copy it into your journal, fill one row per regret, and come back to it whenever an old one resurfaces. Here are a few examples to show how it works:

Notice how the second column softens the first, and the fourth column gives the whole thing somewhere to go. You can screenshot the table as a reminder of the four questions, then make your own version on paper.

Dealing With Big Life Regrets

Some regrets are small and fade within a week. Others are big: a relationship that ended, years spent somewhere you didn't belong, a loved one you didn't say goodbye to, a path you didn't take that would have changed your whole life. These need more patience.

• Grieve the other life. A big regret often includes grief for a version of your life that never happened. It's okay to be sad about that. Name it as grief, and give it the gentleness you'd give any loss.
• Look for what grew instead. Without denying the pain, notice what the path you did take gave you: people you met, strengths you built, things you understand now. This isn't "everything happens for a reason." It's "something good grew here too."
• Accept that some questions won't be answered. You'll never know exactly how the other path would have gone. Your imagination tends to make it perfect, but every life has hard parts.
• Give it time and repetition. You might need to work through the steps above many times over months. That's normal, not a failure.
• Use it to shape the years ahead. The most meaningful response to a big regret is often living differently from now on: more honest, more present, braver.

If a regret is tangled up with the past in a way you can't seem to put down, my article on how to let go of the past may help you take the next step.

A Short Self-Compassion Script for Regret

Keep this somewhere you'll see it, or read it slowly when the regret feels loud. Put a hand on your chest if that feels comforting, and breathe in for four counts and out for six between each line:

1. "This hurts, and it makes sense that it hurts."
2. "I made that choice with what I knew and what I had at the time."
3. "Everyone makes choices they wish they could change. I'm not alone in this."
4. "I can be sorry and still be kind to myself."
5. "I've learned something, and I'm choosing to live by it now."
6. "I'm allowed to put this down for today."

It might feel awkward the first few times. That's okay. Kindness toward yourself is a skill, and like every skill, it gets more natural with practice. I like to write the script on a card in pretty gold pen and tuck it into my journal, so it's always there after evening tea.

When To Talk to a Therapist

Regret is a normal part of life, but sometimes it grows heavier than one person can carry alone. Consider reaching out to a therapist or your doctor if:

• You think about the regret most days, for weeks or months.
• It's affecting your sleep, appetite, work or relationships.
• You feel hopeless, worthless or stuck in shame.
• The regret is tied to trauma, loss or something you can't talk about with people close to you.
• You notice you're avoiding people or places because of it.

A therapist can help you untangle guilt, grief and self-blame in a way that's hard to do on your own. Reaching out isn't a sign you've failed at handling it. It's a sign you're taking yourself seriously. And if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, please contact a crisis line or emergency services in your country right away.

Final Thoughts

Regret means you care about how you live, and that's a beautiful thing to know about yourself. You don't have to erase the past to feel at peace with it. You only have to understand it, learn its one lesson and take one small step in a better direction.

Be as gentle with the person you were as you'd be with a friend. She was doing her best, and you're carrying her forward with more wisdom than she had.